Clinical
Pastoral Education…
I haven’t
had the courage to write about Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) yet, because
to be completely honest it has been a daily struggle for me and I don’t think I
am very good at it. CPE is basically
being a chaplain at a hospital for one summer during your seminary
experience. In my case, I am working for
a VA hospital in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where my parents live. From my understanding, the purpose of CPE is to
discover issues within yourself and how to handle them in addition to working
on your listening skills, becoming comfortable in a hospital, and experiencing
death.
The VA
hospital in Murfreesboro has many psychiatric patients in addition to a
community living center, an acute care unit and a rehabilitation unit. I want to share with you that I feel honored
to spend my days with men and women who have given their time to serve our
country. With that being said, it is
also extremely difficult to realize that I can’t “fix” their situations. I am hoping that just walking in the room,
listening and being present helps in some way.
In the
past two days, I have had the pleasure of meeting two men that are full of joy,
life and an amazing love of our God. One
was a Baptist minister for over 50 years.
Some of you will find this hard to believe, but he spent over an hour
telling me his life story - I didn’t say one word! The Holy Spirit was in the room as we talked,
and I walked away feeling more than touched, almost changed. I got so much out of my time with this
incredible man. He touched my heart.
Today, I
spent time with a 91-year-old man who is at the end of his life. He knows that he is dying and even though
there is some emotion associated with the end of his life, he is not afraid and
is confident he will be in heaven with his wife and Jesus. I am more than confident that heaven is
exactly where he is going. This man has
raised 9 children and 3 grandchildren and is content with his life. Content, there is that word again.
The last
two days have been good days. Honestly,
most days are not as good. There is
grief, anger, loneliness, pain and many days, death. I often don’t know what to say or how to
comfort a patient or family. All I know
to do is pray. So that is what I do. Sometimes I am really afraid that someone is
going to pass out, be in pain or even die in my presence. This is flat out scary to me. Someone I love very much reminded me the
other day that being with someone as they die is one of the most intimate experiences
they have ever experienced. I need to
find that courage to be intimate, not afraid, not anxious, and just
present. I am working on it.
I ask for
prayers for the men and women at the VA, prayers for my classmates who are also
experiencing CPE, my friends from other seminaries who are participating in
CPE, and for me, that God will give me strength. Thank you as always for your love and
devotion.
Blessings as the ride
continues… Mary Balfour
Mary, as a retired Marine, I will go somewhat out on a limb and say that what you have to give is the absence of aloneness. We are social beings and the scariest part of death is not that it will happen to all of us. Somehow, we know that. The scariest part is that we will die alone -- leave this earth out of touch with anyone else. That you can "fix."
ReplyDeleteThank you, mb! I love having you as a colleague and hope we can spend some time together one of these days. Having a breakable heart is one of the greatest gifts there can be for the ministry we share.
ReplyDeleteLove and blessings,
Sarah
MB - I totally understand what you're going through and am so proud of your presence with these men and women. What a gift you are to them, even if you aren't actually "fixing" them. You're doing something better - offering healing. Call anytime you want to celebrate a great day or process a hard one. Love you!
ReplyDelete